Happy Birthday to me. I am adopted.
I woke up this morning at 6:02 am (PST). I looked at the clock and was suprised to see the time. I smiled. The unconscious self has a way of reminding the conscious self of Implicit Memories
I was born 54 years ago today at 6:32 am in Henderson, Nevada. Waking up at 6:02 am, 30 minutes before my time of birth made me feel, somehow, connected to that fateful day in a other-worldly way.
I laid in bed and thought about my birth mother, Barbara. I thought about her delivering her sixth baby. A baby she would never see. A baby that was carried out one door while she was wheeled out another door. I thought about what she was told, “Just forget.”
I then thought of my 2 amazing children. I thought about them being handed to me after they had been delivered. Wet from my womb. Staring up at me with their little blue eyes. Looking for their mother, where they spent their first 9 months of life and my heart feeling an overwhelming sense of love and ‘homeness.’
I wondered if I looked at the nurse (or nun) who carried me away and wondered “who the hell are you?” Sometimes, when I feel the loneliness that still overwhelms me, I wonder, “where the hell do I belong?” I truly know the loneliness is directly related to the being carried away.
There is a line from a song from the Broadway Musical Waitress that fits losing your mother at the moment of birth, “She’s gone, but she used to be mine….” And now, today at 54, I have not yet figured out how to reconcile that feeling. To make sense. To be settled.
Also, it is not about “them” taking me away. It is also about her WANTING me taken away. That she did not want to keep me. Could not keep me Chose to have me “placed for adoption.” Relinquished her rights. Signed papers that said she was not mine and I was not hers. Forgot me.
HEAVY sigh, DEEP breath.
Today is my birthday. I am sitting in my kitchen. Looking at the beautiful blue Las Vegas sky. Listening to music I love. My little dog with her brown eyes watching me with the type of attachment and security only a dog can offer. My other dog with his brown eyes watching me, hoping i will get food so he can mooch. I have a good day planned. I am going to a Therapy appointment soon. I am going shopping with my husband so he can spoil me. I am eating at a great restaurant for dinner. I am going to see a Broadway Musical in one of my happy places. I am going to celebrate myself because I deserve to be celebrated.
I get to live a life that I have made. I get to live a life that I have worked hard to obtain. I love many. I laugh a lot. I think deeply. I play daily. I put my feet in the grass. I worship a God who gets me in the way I choose to worship. I love and I love and I love and I love.
This is adoption. This is my birthday.