Dear Pregnant Mother Considering Adoption- guest Blogger Kristin Jones

Today we welcome Kristin Jones, CMHC of Tradewinds Counseling as a guest blogger.

She has written a powerful letter to women considering adoption.

Dear pregnant mother considering adoption-

If you are thinking about adoption as an option, you are most likely experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult to be faced with such a life changing decision. A decision that not only changes your life, but also your child’s life. My heart goes out to you. As you make your decision, I’d like to share some things you may not be hearing from many others.

You are already your child’s mother. Amazing biological and psychological processes began at conception that bind the two of you together. Even in the womb, you and your baby are experiencing a symbiotic relationship with one another. And research demonstrates when your baby is born, they will prefer you over anyone else. Your baby does not care what mistakes you’ve made in the past or what vacations you can afford in the future. Your baby only wants you.

Please understand that the very act of adoption – giving your baby to another family to raise – is a traumatic event for your child that will have a lifelong impact. Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier is a wonderful book to read to help you begin to understand this trauma. I highly recommend reading it as part of your information gathering process in making your decision.

Adoptive parents present themselves with the sole purpose of making a good impression so that you will choose them to raise your child. They promise all of the things they hope you will want your baby to have. But just like all of us, adoptive parents are flawed. And just like everyone else, they may not stay married, may have a change in their financial circumstances, may become addicts, may not stay emotionally stable. It is very likely that they will not be able to provide your child with everything they believe, hope and promise.

There are NO GUARANTEES in open adoption. Once you give up your rights as your child’s parent, the adoptive parents will be the only people deciding what contact you and your child have or how your child is raised. You will have no legal rights to a relationship with your child. I have seen many open adoptions where all involved have wonderful relationships, but I’ve seen just as many where the adoptive parents limit, or even stop, contact.

There are many people who will pressure you to relinquish your child. People will tell you that you are not good enough to raise your child. It’s easy to find adoption agencies that will support you during your decision-making process because adoption is a financially driven market and they profit when you relinquish your child. Resources that support family preservation will be harder to find, but they do exist and are growing in numbers every year. Many people will tell you adoption is the brave thing to do. They will tell you if you loved your child enough you would place that child for adoption. This makes no sense to your child – your child believes if you loved them you would not give them away.

My wish is that you will be given all the information, love and support that you and your child need at this time in your life.

With warmest thoughts,
An adult adoptee

#NAAM18 #adoption #adoptee #wehavethefloor #flipthescript

One thought on “Dear Pregnant Mother Considering Adoption- guest Blogger Kristin Jones

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  1. Thank you, Janet and Kristin. This post caused me to wonder (for the bazillionth time), what it would have been like to be raised by my birth mother.

    You see, I was raised by middle-class parents, with their 8-year-old full blood daughter who disliked me for as long as I can remember, until the day she died at age 46. My adopted dad was a professional mechanical engineer and my mother came from a fairly wealthy family. I wanted for NOTHING except for a calm mind and peaceful heart, knowing that I was where I belonged and with people God intended to be my parents. Now, almost 51 years later, I STILL… DON’T… FIT.

    Sure, I had a beautiful & comfortable home to live in, plenty of food, rode in luxury cars, had the most popular toys, top of the line athletic equipment, ski vacations, clothes, my own car, beach vacations, piano lessons, vocal lessons, Disneyland vacations, health and dental insurance, more clothes, newer skiis, a custom made prom dress, designer handbags, boating vacations, expensive make-up, the newest portable cassette tape player with ear phones and a beautiful wedding reception. So why am I complaining, right?!

    I had all the stuff money could buy, but I never had the true, maternal love I know that I would have had from my birth mother. How do I know this? Because 9 years ago, my birth mother found me, and I have been loved by her in a way I have never been loved before. Yes, she was 16 at the time of my birth. Yes, she lived with her identical twin sister and widowed mother who worked a minimum wage job and they would have had a tough struggle affording diapers and food. Yes, she was never on track for a college education and worked low paying jobs, BUT SHE WAS MINE AND I WAS HERS. She would have figured out a way for us to be okay, and we would have had each other.

    Dear Pregnant Mother Considering Adoption, STOP! Think about the ramifications of your decision to allow the sweet, innocent baby you carry to go to strangers to be raised. They will find themselves in an unexplainable struggle with identity, sadness and confusion for many, many, many years, no matter how much those strangers love them. My life would have been tougher without all that cool “stuff”, but I would have been a softer, sweeter and more grounded individual had I been able to stay with her.

    Adoption trauma is real. Adoption trauma hurts. Adoption trauma makes broken people.

    Just don’t. Please.

    With love and concern,
    An adult adoptee

    #adoptedatbirth
    #didheknowaboutme
    #iamanemery

    Liked by 2 people

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