Is not writing, still writing?

I have not written many words in weeks.

I am not sure why.

I feel like all the words have already been written. Sometimes I just am at a loss for words and am searching for myself.

I went to a creativity retreat several weekends ago. I wrote the most honest and for me, heart wrenching paragraph of my life. I felt all the depth of ache I had not wanted to feel about my relinquishment to adoption. I wrote the words.

Then, the words were gone

It was as if my a heart stopped. The creative drive to write ended and I closed the door on the book I was carefully crafting, on the blog I so tenderly cultivated and the multitude of planned writings waiting to happen have been thrown away.

I am not sure how to continue.

I am weary from processing my full body experience of adoption.

The past 568 days since I found and first spoke to my birth mother have been filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows.

I just wish that I could just freeze time and float until my anxiety retreats and regulation returns to my dysregulated brain life.

But, knowing I have to wake each day to serve others motivates my movements and supports mastery of my mind.

I am so strong. I amaze myself. I can do hard things.

Words will return, but for now, I care for a brain that has finally said, “enough…we need rest.”

There will be light again soon.

3 thoughts on “Is not writing, still writing?

Add yours

  1. Oh friend I can so relate. So much.

    My heart and prayers are with you. The world needs to hear/read your story. Even more so, I’m pretty sure you need to tell it. In time. If your reunion (year) has been even remotely like mine it’s been emotionally taxing and you’re a different person.

    Give it time then tell it!! I can’t wait to read it.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Perhaps “not writing” is ~ Allowing. Allowing your mind to rest. Allowing peace to seap into needed places. Allowing your words to rest in order for this wave of healing to happen.
    I hope you truly know that You are a beautiful, strong, and capable woman who deserves this time of peace and rejunination. And many moments of quite contemplation that does not require written words.
    Know you are loved and your journey “is” honored.

    Liked by 1 person

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