Have you ever walked on a tight rope? No? Well, me either. But I imagine that it is tricky. Being adopted is like walking on an invisible tightrope; tricky.
Tricky because you have to walk without falling off. And, truly, any sudden gust of gravity or strong wind could topple you, and leave you laying on the ground looking up at life. I have written about the fog before, but today, it seems particularly important for me to say more about my experience.
Unbeknownst to me, I have been walking a tightrope for my entire life. I realized the rope was beneath my feet when I entered reunion, and that sudden gust of wind and gravity hit me like a tornado. I hit the ground hard. I did not know what happened in my brain or my body. It was the clearing of the “adoption fog” (not sure what the “fog” of adoption is, here is a podcast that will help you understand – Adoptees On – Coming Out of the Fog )
For me, my ‘adoption fog’ was the story I told myself for many years. Let me begin by saying I have a deep and abiding belief in God. I have a relationship with Him that sustains me. He is my constant and my safety net. He gets me.
Before I continue, let me say these words: I am not an angry adoptee. I am not angry. I am not leaving my faith. I am not leaving my Church I am expressing my thoughts through writing as this helps me sort out my feelings, thoughts and emotions.
The story I told myself is that God put me in the family that I needed to be in so that I could find God and the Gospel of Christ. I told myself that before I came to earth, I knew that my life would be difficult, but I felt I agreed so that I could have the blessings of being part of God’s church and know Him.
This is what I think now – God does not place children in families. Agencies and people place children. I was the next available child when I was placed in my family. God did not have a master chess board where he was moving me about.
Do I believe He was aware of me – absolutely. Do I believe He knew the trajectory of my life before I ever was born – absolutely. Do I believe that He hurt for me to be taken away from my birth mother before she ever saw, touched of held me – Yes – I believe His heart ached that day as much as my tiny heart. God is aware of me. God did not place me for adoption.
I know this for sure, God gave me the courage to never give up my search to find my truth. He walked in front of me with the flashlight of truth, shining it for me, until I could come out of the fog and hold it with Him.
I know for a fact that in the 1960’s through 1970’s (and I feel into the 80’s), known as the baby scoop era , that millions of babies were removed from mothers and relinquished, legally and illegally, to adoption agencies, like Catholic Charities where I was adopted from.
These “babies” are full grown adults now. We are finding our stories. Many are NOT pretty. We are lobbying for equal rights for adopted persons to have access to our birth records and original birth certificates. We are coming out of the fog. We are a force.
I have met several women and men in my journey to myself who are my age, early 50’s, and they amaze me. I thought I was “late” to the reunion, fog-less game, but it seems, I am right on time.
We are speaking our truths. We are writing blogs and books. We are podcasting. We are meeting each other. We are building community. We are grieving with each other. And, we are here.
I have never walked on a tight rope, and I will not continue to walk the tightrope of adoption. I have my 2 feet firmly on the ground and the sky is clear of fog.