I live in Nevada, the home of Area 51. For those of you who are not aware, Area 51 is the place that many think top secret alien life forms are studied by our government. I don’t know if this is true, but I do know that it is big business for those who are seeking life forms from outer space. There is also a really great place to buy beef jerky on the way, called (get this) Alien Jerky in Baker, CA.
Being an adoptee is like being from Area 51. I often feel like an alien life form. I don’t really fit in and I don’t really feel comfortable all the time. I don’t understand life the way others do, and at times, this lack of understanding leads to me being hurt, or being overly sensitive.
This past year in reunion, I have lost friends, I have had others in my life wonder if I am “ever going to get over this whole adoption thing,” and I have had people slowly back away, change the subject or flat out avoid me because I am HYPER FOCUSED on how I feel in reunion, and this whole settling into my new alien skin experience. It has been hard. I can not express how much it means that I have people who have stayed and who continue to LISTEN.
Just so those of you who are not adopted understand, being adopted is hard work. For those adoptees who were removed at birth, our brains were in shock IMMEDIATELY after being born. I NEVER got held by my birth mother. I never got to smell her. I never got to feel her skin next to mine. These are all normal and natural things that happen when a baby is born. I was taken out a door by a nun and placed in the nursery for bastard children. In the hospital where I was born in 1965, there was a wing for unwed mothers. Imagine the shame of it all?!
I recently listened to a podcast on Adoptees On Where Anne Hefron spoke about her skin not being sealed because her mother did not touch her after she was born. When I heard this, in my car, while driving, I screamed out loud, “EXACTLY!!!” I am wondering if anyone heard me…I yelled loudly. I could not believe that someone ELSE felt this way and how perfect this explanation FELT to me. It just made sense. NO WONDER I am overly sensitive. NO WONDER I feel like an alien. And, other adopted people feel the SAME WAY! Remarkable.
This was the BEST explanation of how it is when you long for something, but you just can’t place what you long for, but you know it is an important something. I long for acceptance and validation. I long for love and understanding. And, even when it is right there, staring me in the face, I can not fully accept it as I feel it will be fleeting. In my mind and to my unsealed skin, everyone leaves. Everyone will hurt me. Everyone will push me away, eventually. It is confusing. The more the fog rolls back and I have more clarity, the more alien-like I feel.
I chose to go for self preservation and self care. I need to feel. I need to feel normal.
Saying that I am excited is an understatement. I am nervously anticipating and hoping for a shift in my ability to view myself as an adopted person. I need to be around other adopted alien people. To see how they function and to feel their energy. I feel like I will be beaming up to the Adoptee Mothership for 4 days. I need to be around my people.
I will report back once I return. I hope my skin can get some sealing while I am there…